Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
