having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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