i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
