I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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