Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
