Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
