Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
