awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
