idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
