If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
