So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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