Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
