if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
