i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
