I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
