I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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