my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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