She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
