I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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