I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
