Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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