Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
