my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
