Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
