I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
