woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
