the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
