I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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