I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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