Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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