I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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