I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
