If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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