There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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