So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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