There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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