Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
