I just cut my nipple shaving
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
