And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
