Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
