On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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