three words: i give head
three words: not that well
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
