Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
