Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You need Xanax blowdarts
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
