Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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