be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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