I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
