Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
