I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
organizing the empties. That sober.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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