if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
