My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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