Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
