I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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